You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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