I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
