I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
