I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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