the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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