This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
