$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
