their songs make me feel all the things I wanna feel. Ya dig?
and what kinds of feelings would these be?
Happy, horny, occasionally hungry
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
