two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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