Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Randomize
