Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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