High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Randomize
