I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Randomize
