My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
