walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
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