mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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