the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
