i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
