I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
