So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
