She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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