she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
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