apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
