im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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