I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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