I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
