I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
