the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
