You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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