i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
