Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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