Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
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