I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Sext me about skeletons
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Randomize
