Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
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