Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Congratulations! We have a period
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