just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Randomize
