i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Randomize
