does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
