god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
