I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
