im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
