Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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