im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
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