A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
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