I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
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