Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
