I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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