the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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