I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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