community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
the gays at disneyland are vicious
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
