I just cut my nipple shaving
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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