Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
