I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
